She said it

Today I had one of those conversations that made me realize just how much of an impact RU has had on my life. I was chatting with a friend who mentioned that she didn't know what she was going to do school wise next year with her 6 year old daughter. Her daughter has been attending our very small and very fledgling "Waldorf Inspired" school here in town since it began about 4 years ago. Next year the school will not be offering a program for the younger set as the teacher now has a dedicated group of older kids to join her own child. This friend of mine said she is really open to exploring options and that "other than reading and writing" she doesn't have any expectations or see any need for "educating" her child in any formal sense. I have learned to bite my tongue in conversations like this. Too often in the past I have used statements like these to launch right into extolling the virtues of an unschooled life. But I have finally realized that making a statement like the one she made is not necessarily an indication of a willingness or ability to join me on my trek into the back country of RU. I tend to alienate a lot fewer folks if I am willing to meet them where they are and offer glimpses of the trailhead that leads down my path with some honest descriptions of the terrain and highlights of the amazing features we enjoy out on the trail.

She asked me some questions about the legalities of unschooling and I offered to lend her some books and to direct her to some good websites. Then she said it: "I love the idea of it. I just need a break from her sometimes. I would love to have somewhere to send her for an hour or 2 so I could have some time to myself. I just really need that." That was when I had to smile to myself, not smugly or anything, just because I realized that I don't say that anymore! I don't even think that anymore! How cool is that? Part of it is that the kids are getting older and there isn't as much intensive physical caretaking needed from me, but it is so much more profound than that. Ibegan to think to think about when and how this shift happened. I have always loved being with my kids and never could imagine sending them away to school. The folks who say to me, "I just couldn't spend all that time with my kids!" always have left me with my mouth hanging agape. But a little time to myself, now that I could relate to.

Although I didn't have a name for it, RU was really the way I envisioned living with my children long before I ever had them. I'd read John Holt and others and had a subscription to GWS before I was even married. My own overwhelming feelings about being forced to do so many things I didn't want to do as a child - chief among them going to school and church- had made me really think about how we treat kids. I wanted nothing more as a kid myself than to be grown up so nobody could tell me what to do anymore! I wanted nothing more for my own kids than for them to feel like they had a real and important life WHILE STILL A KID! Then they arrived and I found myself drawn to the AP crowd because they didn't judge me for cosleeping or extended nursing or ec or talking about our choice to homeschool, but they sure judged everyone else who didn't subscribe to the AP way and after a while I recognized the ugliness of their self righteousness in myself. Yucky!

As the kids reached school ages very slowly but very surely we began to slide into the expectations mind set. We were still committed to homeschooling, but the shift from making decisions for a baby toddler about what was best for them and us as a family to having kids who were increasingly wanting to make their own decisions felt scary. I was filling up with fear. Fear that made me think of life in terms of good vs. bad about everything from movies to food to toys and interests. I found myself staring my control freak self in the mirror and ooohh she was U-G-L-Y (and she ain't got no alibi!!!!) Tension was high. We were by no means a "mainstream" family, but none of us was happy with the way things were going. All of these expectations (mine) and control issues (mine again:) were STRESSING US ALL OUT!!!!! And yes, I felt a need to have time alone. I never felt as though I got enough time alone. If I could just have an hour or 2 - oh hell, who was I kidding? I just wanted to go to the bathroom alone! The more I think about it the faster I am typing.... my shoulders are up by my earlobes... I am chewing my gum reallyreallyreallyfast!!!!!!!!!! AARRRGHG......B R E A T H E .....

I clearly remember the day I thought to google "unschooling". I found people I liked immediately. I joined yahoo groups and read for hours into the night. I wasn't the only person in the world who had ever envisioned a world where children were free! There was even a name for the way I'd always dreamed I'd live with my family and there were people who were actually doing it!!! RU kicked my control freak butt!! and it didn't even hurt.

Our journey into the RU wilderness began in earnest about 3.5 years ago and the deeper we trek into the wild, the more I find myself eager to spend as much time as possible with my kiddos while I still can. Letting go of all of those expectations made room for me to see what's already there. I get to spend my day with the coolest people doing the coolest stuff. Sometimes that "stuff" is just hanging around the house, but the vibe is so enjoyable that it feels cool anyway. It is the way we are together. It is not that there is never tension, but tension is not our usual m.o. and it is not caused by a mom who is fighting What Is. The more I let go of judgements the more I get to enjoy everything. (It is really hard to enjoy a TV show with your kids when you have already decided that said show is "crap" or "stupid" etc.) I still enjoy time all by myself, but I do not see it as a survival tool anymore. Letting go of the struggle made so much more space in my life. This is what I want to tell that mom friend of mine. We are living the secret of a happy and joyful life with kids.